The Hitch-Hiker's Guide to the Hobbit
by Lasgalendil
Summary: Wherein fourteen year-old Author Dent comes to regret ever reading Hobbit fan fiction.
1. The Parody Don't Start 'til I Walk In

**THE HITCH-HIKER'S GUIDE TO THE HOBBIT**

**Inspired by The Official Fanfiction University of Middleearth by misscam.**

**ELESSAR'S GENERAL WARNING: may contain pears. I mean sarcasm.**

* * *

Fourteen year-old Author Dent woke up, as everything seemed to happen this fandom, Unexpectedly.

"Wh-who are you?" she stammered to the strange woman in her bedroom, astonished not so much by her physical presence, but by the complete disregard for even a perfunctory 'Good morning!'

"No time to explain!" Tauriel cried. "Up, up you get! You're going on an adventure."

"Oh, this is wonderful!" Author Dent exclaimed, jumping out of bed. "All my dreams have finally come true! I get to go visit Middle-earth!" Author Dent had clearly read and written far too many fan fictions about girls being unceremoniously dumped into Middle-earth, and therefore must be excused her excitement.

"Oh, dear," Tauriel explained, "I fear you've quite mistaken this for a 'Girl Falls Into Middle-earth' plot, and that's not the case at all. But either way, you've got to hurry. Don't forget your towel!"

"Then where are we going?" Author Dent wondered, clutching her bath towel gingerly."And excuse me, but didn't you mean pocket handkerchief?"

"When I say pocket handkerchief, I mean pocket handkerchief!" the Elf guide snapped. "And when I say towel, I mean towel! And what use is a pocket handkerchief in a library, anyways?"

Author Dent was silent at that, and didn't have the heart to ask what good a towel would be there, either. She, although she couldn't have realized it yet, had just employed the first rule of the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Hobbit: Don't ask rhetorical questions of wise, ill-tempered, otherworldly spirit guides-and especially not Gandalf. The answers were regarded by most to be worse than Entish poetry, certainly, and tended to dissolve into abstract discussions of implicit context and ambiguous syntax that were almost entirely unintelligible. It had recently been amended, of course, from the more archaic and less inclusive 'Do not meddle in the affairs of wizards'. The second rule had likewise been updated into the modern vernacular, and read: Don't go to the Elves for council. Further inspection would reveal not only would they answer both yes and no, but they would also provide you with an unhelpful amount of complimentary salad while questioning your sanity.

"Oh, boy!" Author Dent replied instead. "We're visiting the libraries of Minas Tirith, or Imladris!"

"Not quite," Tauriel said, handing her a heavy leather book.

"Oof!" Author Dent cried, gathering the tome in her arms. "Oh, is this the Red Book of Westmarch? I've read so much about it-"

"Don't be ridiculous," Tauriel insisted. "It's The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Hobbit."

"How wonderful!" Author Dent exclaimed, misunderstanding completely. "I've been recruited to help write it!"

"Oh, dear," Tauriel sighed. "This is going to be more difficult than I thought…"

But the hapless protagonist was already too engrossed to hear her. She opened the cover and began to read:

**THE HITCH-HIKER'S GUIDE TO THE HOBBIT**

**"…even less helpful than Wikipedia."**

**"A Treemendous achievement."-The Entmoot**

**"…now a required text for the Official Fanfiction University of Middle-earth™!"**

* * *

**Bilba/Billa/Bella Baggins: **Thilbo Bagginshield for those disgusted by same-sex pairings, but who still desperately want to ship them…and because Eru knows we need more Twilight references in this fandom. [See also Femm!Bilbo]

**Disclaimer:** I either a) don't understand that this offers me no protection from actual copyright law or b) think my readers don't know this is a derivative work or c) don't have anything interesting or original to say.

**DON'T LIKE, DON'T READ!:** What I've written is obviously so offensive or terrible I feel the need to disclose it beforehand. Also, disabling anonymous reviews and reporting flamers is just too much work.

**Elleth:** 'She-Elf' for would-be Sindarin speakers, because calling a woman a cunt in an antiquated, arcane fashion worked out so well for Marvel's The Avengers. [See also She-Elf]

Note: Can be used in a culturally competent fashion. However, must be used carefully and consistently with other gender specific species identifiers such as gender-neutral edhel and male-specific ellon. Writer must possess the maturity to recognize that Sindarin language and culture are exclusively gender binary, whereas English isn't.

Note: For the love of fuck, does not require capitalization unless included in a title or at the beginning of a sentence.

**Femm!Bilbo:** Gender-swapped Bilbo Baggins, usually with accompanied or implied Thórin pairing. Literal translation: Because homosexual pairings are totally gross, but I want to ship these two so bad! [See also Bilba/Billa/Bella Baggins]

**FEMMSLASH:** Because homophobes need misogyny, too!

**Fili/Sigrid:** Because it's not pedophilia if he's hot, right? [See also Stephanie Meyer, Shipping Goggles]

**I suck at summaries:** I can't care enough about this story to compile 384 interesting characters or less about it. [See also 'Summary stinks']

**Kiliel:** Because all true love begins with sexual harassment. It's only a dick joke away.

**Non-con:** Because rape is such a harsh term. And look what she's wearing! [See also 'it's not rape if he's hot']

Note: Cross-reference with _The Hitch-Hiker's Guide to Gotham:_ 'Joker? I barely even knew 'er!'

**NO SLASH!:** Because same-sex pairings are disgusting! You won't find any here!

Note: Yes, thank you for being so open and honest with your blatant homophobia. Your parents must be proud.

**NOT A MARY SUE: **IT'S OPPOSITE DAY!

Note: Cross-reference with _The Hitch-Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy Far, Far Away_: 'It's a trap'.

**PLEASE READ AND REVIEW!:** Because I'm fairly certain all caps and begging are the only ways this story can attract any readers.

**Rated _ because I'm paranoid:** I have 384 characters, and couldn't think of anything else to say. Also, reading the fiction ratings guide is Such. Hard. Work.

**Riverdale: **Because Wikipedia is also Such. Hard. Work. [See also Rivendell]

**She-Elf:** Derogatory term for an elf mocking her for her gender and/or genitalia. Insult. Used exclusively by the forces of darkness within Peter Jackson's films, so naturally has been adopted fanon-wide for all female characters. [See also entry 'Elleth' and English equivalents Bitch, Cunt, Pussy and Quim.]

**Starlight: **Because deep down inside, all Action Girls really just want to swap terrible emo poetry and trade their job in for a dude. [See also Kiliel]

Note: So I talked about starlight. Bitches love starlight.

**Summary stinks:** Not bovvered. [See also 'I suck at summaries']

**Thilbo Bagginshield/Thorinduil/Dwori/Durincest/Smaugbo:** Because after millennia of sexual objectification and repression by males, we've earned the right to exploit male homosexuality for our own gratification just like men do to lesbians. Women need porn, too!

**Trousers:** Because 'in my pants' would sound too too much like an obvious dick joke for a beloved children's book adaptation.[See also Kiliel]

Note: Obvious dick joke.

Note: Not to be confused with UK English common noun for outerwear.

**Warning: SLASH!:** Danger, you might be exposed to the corrupting immoral influence of homosexuality…if you believe in that! But I'm not a homophobe, I swear! I mean I ship same-sex pairings, so how could I be? LOL.

* * *

Author Dent looked up from her reading, stunned.

"Is there a problem, Miss Dent?" asked Tauriel sharply.

"This guide isn't helpful at all!" she wailed. "Frankly it's insulting! And I see people use those terms on fanfiction .net all the time!"

"Oh, child," Tauriel patted her head. "If you haven't realized this is a troll fic by now, I fear there's no hope for you at all."


	2. So Long, and Thanks for All the Flames

"I don't understand," Author Dent finally said, closing _The Guide_, her young mind reeling. "Why exactly am I reading this?"

"It's a trollfic, Author," Tauriel shrugged. "There's never really a purpose, is there?"

"That can't be true," said Author Dent, bravely taking up a quill. "In fact, I'll prove it!"

* * *

**THE HITCH-HIKER'S GUIDE TO THE HOBBIT**

**"This wasn't funny; it was patronizing, pretentious, and obnoxious!"-actual review by an actual reviewer**

**"Laughing my Asfaloth."—Glorfindel**

**"What the fuck did I just read?"**

**Flame: **A derogatory personal attack on an author for writing a work of fiction that pisses people off. May contain poor grammar and/or a blatant abuse of capitalizations and exclamation marks. Usually submitted as an anonymous review.

Note: Warning! This practice may lend credibility to a trollfic.

**Tauriel:** DISAMBIGUATION PAGE

TAURIEL may refer to the following entries:

Female Silvan Elf in Peter Jackson's _The Hobbit_: _the Desolation of Smaug_.

Archer of Mirkwood and Captain of the Elvenking.

Generic Affirmative Action Action Girl and love interest. [See also Smurfette Principle]

The eponymous 'She-Elf' of _The Hobbit_ movie franchise. [See also 'She-Elf', 'Arwen']

"She may have been a boring token female with no personality, but at least she wasn't a smug, smirking, judgmental bitch."

Note: Also an actual review by an actual reader.

**Trollfic:** When an author writes a parody so terrible it is taken seriously. May result in misogynistic reviews which reflect poorly on the fanon and prove an author's point.

Note: FTW

Note: Not to be confused with Legendary Badfic, which may or may not be intentional. [See also 'Celebrian' and 'Legolas by Laura']

* * *

Author Dent stopped scratching her entry, and looked up. "Happy now?"

"You learn fast," Tauriel smiled, taking her hand and helping her up. "Perhaps you're not such a hopeless case, after all..."

But Author Dent stood firm. "Where are you taking me?" she demanded.

"You'll see!" sang Tauriel.

This of course prompted the young protagonist to clutch her towel even more tightly. Even without _The Guide_ everyone knows the only thing worse than a trollfic is a songfic which takes itself seriously [See also 'My Immortal' and 'Into the West'], and right now her Elf advisor looked as if she might burst out at any second:

_So long, and thanks for all the flames!_


End file.
